My Sweet Girl

So, I have a daughter that lately seems like an angel.  I mean, really, she cleans up her stuff off the table every time.  She hugs her brother when he is scared of the dark and lets him sneak in her room and sleep in her bed if he thinks monsters are in his closet.  She writes sweet notes to me EVERY DAY...no joke...it's EVERY DAY.  She cheers her brothers on at their football games and does flips for every touchdown they make.  She does her chores.  She does not complain that our house is filled to the lid with boy stuff and that she has to share a bathroom with those dirty, smelly boys.  She is a sweet kid in so many ways. 
Now, I know she is not perfect.  She also gets a bit punky at times.  She cries over things that are not a reason to cry...heck she cries sometimes and does not even know what she is crying about.  She has a hard time letting the past go.  But in the end we are left with a little girl who is as sweet as a lump of sugar and as kind hearted as Mother Teresa.  She is really truly that super of a kid.
And yesterday, well, yesterday was a HARD day for her.  School was rough...friends were mean, she was not listened to, she was scolded, she was "unfriended" and all she wanted to do was go home.  She desperately wanted to go home.

She wanted to simply be left alone and go sit with her mommy and daddy and let them make it all disappear.  She wanted HOME...
                                                       She wanted HOME...
                                                   She wanted HOME!
And I so get that.  
This world is NOT our home.  
This world is NOT our place of comfort. 
This world is full of bad things and bad days and hard stuff.  
But this world is not our home.  
And I can't wait for the day that my sweet girl gets to see HEAVEN and experience the life that she deserved all along.  Her little life has already been 100 times harder than most adults lives.  She deserves more...she deserves HEAVEN.  
And I hope and pray that her heart longs for heaven like I long for it for her.   
She is SO deserving!

And what an amazing blessing to know that there IS a place where all of the pain and hardship falls away.  We have a HOME with our heavenly Father where the things that exhaust our emotions and minds and hands do not exist.  What a blessing!  

It's the BIG things...

I hear sayings often that indicate that life is really about the little things.  Most of the time I love those sayings but tonight...well, tonight I was moved to tears by the BIG things of life.  

As I type this my sunshine is literally sitting on my lap.  It's midnight and he is laying on my lap with my laptop on his lap while he sleeps in my arms.  About 30 minutes ago I heard his little footsteps coming down the stairs.  His tired little body, topped with his tousled hair, came down the stairs with his bear (Brownie) and his blanket (night-night) in his hand and his  whitey-tighty's on backwards.  He curled up in my lap and has found comfort in his mama's arms. 

His MAMA's arms. 

His mama just happened to be watching Life Unexpected. 

I paused it for a minute until I was sure that he was asleep and then pressed the play button again.  The show, if you have not seen it before, is about a teen girl who grew up in the foster care system. This episode revealed some of the horrible things that the teen (Luxe) endured in her early years.  It was the type of thing that many of us think happen only in tv shows or in other countries.  

THAT is an untruth...

It happens in real life. 

It happens every day.

It most happens in your neighborhood. 

It sometimes happens to YOUR kids.

It happened to some of MY kids.  

But it did not happen to all my kids...it did NOT happen to Sunshine.  

He is a baby that our system saved.  

He was SAVED...do you hear that?  I do...I LIVE IT, and it's a BIG thing.

We hear a lot how the system is broken. 

 How foster parents are bad and caseworkers are too busy to really help the kids in the caseload.  

And sometimes that is true. 

But sometimes it's NOT.  

This little boy, this bundle of JOY is a SAVED child.  The system that Oprah and Dr. Phil like to talk bad about...that same system is exactly the system that saved his life.  I truly believe that his very life was spared by the hands and heart and mind of his caseworker and other people who were involved in his case.  He would not have lived if he were in the care of his mother or father.  

Sunshine's life was spared....and THAT is a bIG thing.

And you know what is even bigger?

That I get to be his mom.  

That I get to be the one that he comes to at night when the world is dark and scary. 

That I get to be the one that he calls Mama.  

THAT is not a little thing...it's a HUGE thing.   

 And tonight THAT is what I am thankful for.

It's a BIG thing and it came a BIG cost to a lot of people who worked their hearts and hands off.

IT's BIG...HUGE!  

Thanks Dawn, Roxanne, Harriet, Melissa, Jill, Etc...  Your work saved a life....my sunshine's life.  and THAT is HUGE!


And then there is the GOD NUDGE...dying for us is also not a little thing.  It's a HUGE thing.
Why do we so often forget the big things?

KEEPING TRACK

One of my kiddos just came home and showed me where he is keeping tally marks in his notebook during one of his classes.  He is keeping track of the number of times that she yells during class.  I am cracking up.    As the other kids are sitting there getting upset about being yelled at and feeling all emotional my son is just sitting there, unnoticed, making tally marks.
And then I wonder...what is he keeping tally marks on me about.  I am going to have to start keeping an eye open for little pieces of paper around the house with tally marks on them.  
And then God Nudged...some of my other kids are very vocal about what I do that makes them upset/mad/emotional.  This particular child is not.  That does NOT mean that it does not affect him.  It just means that he keeps in inside.  So, I need to start my own tally marks for myself.   I need to keep track of myself so that he is not internalizing my mis-steps as a parent.
He is worth that...SO worth that!

Paralyzed

Parenting kids with emotional trauma can be a hard thing. Admittedly I sometimes feel sorry for myself...

until I am reminded of how they must feel.

So, the other day some friends were over and we were talking about how crazy dirty my oven was. And I admitted that I have NEVER cleaned the oven. . . NEVER!! Not even once have I done it. Now, that sounds pretty awful but let's remember who it is...it's ME and I don't really cook anything either so my oven stays generally pretty clean. But we've lived in this house for three years now and it my oven was starting to smell when I turned it on. So, my friends told me how to clean it.

Then next night I cleaned it.

About an hour into the "cleaning" I saw THIS.

Now, I don't usually think it's a good thing for my oven to be on fire.

And so, I paniced.

I had no idea what to do.

What was running through my head was the way that one of my kid's classmates had their whole house burn down last year...the whole thing...GONE!

And I had NO idea what to do. I could see that the inside of the oven was quite hot and I could not decide if I should open the door and use the fire extinguisher on it or if I was best to keep it sealed up in there. I mean, ovens are made to keep heat in right?

I shooed my kids out of the kitchen to save their lives...and then I stood there...paniced...not knowing what to do.

And then I thought...maybe this is what is suppose to happen.

And I stood there some more...Looking like an idiot with no idea what was happening around me and being too scared to give anything a try.

And in the midst of my internal panic GOD NUDGED.

I realized that I was probably feeling exactly like my kids do sometimes.

I had NO idea what to do.

They OFTEN have no idea what to do.

I was not prepared for the fire.

They were not prepared for the fires they have been handed in life.

I did not know what was going on or how to deal with it.

I think that sometimes kids with emotional issues are just lacking in the ability to separate the world from their fear. They walk around living with fear. One of my kid's psychologists said it this way, "They hear Jaws music everywhere they go...and it's paralyzing."

That was it for me in that moment...I felt the Jaws music and I was paralyzed by fear. I was fearful that I would burn my house down but I was so fearful that I was unable to do anything about it. For some reason it never occurred to me to open up my computer and see if it's ok for your oven to be on fire when you are cleaning it. I could have called a friend...maybe the very one who told me how to clean my oven...but I did not even think of it. I could have grabbed the oven's manual and read about cleaning the oven and what to expect...but the thought never crossed my mind.

There were a million things to do to find my answer but the fear paralyzed me so instead I stood there.

Sometimes my kids stand there with a look of utter stupidity on their faces. It still catches me off guard when it happens. I know that they can figure things out on their own...I have seen them do it. But instead half of the time they stand there motionless with blank faces.

So, I am going to keep this photo somewhere I can see it from now on.

It is not stupidity that makes my kids unable to cope...they have the tools to find the answers that they need. Rather it is FEAR that leaves them unable to access their own ability to search out the answer. And instead of me being upset for them just standing there maybe they need me to put my arm around them and remind them that NOW they are safe and that they are not ALONE.

No playing for us...we have a floor to clean!

So, what do you do when these things all happen at the same time:

1. You have 5 kids.

2. All 5 of your kids are restless.

3. You are stressed.

4. Your floors have not been mopped for at least a week.

5. You have gone through all the mismatched socks and found homes for the ones that have them and are left with a bunch of mismatched socks with no partners.

Well, thanks for asking...I would love to answer that question for you...just in case it ever happens to you!

Step Number One, Put mismatched socks on all of the 5 children.

Step Number Two, Put water and soap on the floor.

Step Three, LET THE SLIDING BEGIN!

And, "YES" the floor did truly get clean....and we had fun doing it!!!

Say WHAT??

Yes, I am letting my very short 10 year old play football this year.

Some mothers would not do that...they would be scared that he would get crushed.

Not me, I am BRAVE.

I am able to face the fear head on and let God take care of him.

I am fearless.

I believe in my 4th grader.

I will not bite my nails in fear.

I can take the heat.

I will NOT hold my son back from anything because he is short.

I am woman, hear me.....

WHAT DID YOU SAY???

THIS IS A LEAGUE FOR 4TH, 5TH AND 6TH GRADERS.

"SOLDIER, get over here right now...we are going HOME for milk and cookies!"

(yep, he's the one in the middle with the white shirt on)

COLTS FEVER

If you've ever met my Soldier then you know at least one thing about him to be true.

The kid is a COLTS FAN!

I found a Marvin Harrison jersey at the Goodwill that fit him and he proceeded to wear it until the back read "Harriso" then until it said "Harris". I tried to pry it from his hands but he would not hear of it.

I found another one at the Goodwill. Really, the EXACT same one. (Thanks God!) Now he has two to wear and I have had to develop a new system in his closet so that I can keep him from wearing them every day. Without our new system he would be wearing a Marvin Harrison jersey EVERY DAY!

He has posters hanging in his room of the colts team and coach.

He has their schedule memorized and scores of all the games for the last several years.

Last year we found out half way through the year that he had a book called Blue Heaven checked out of the library and he kept renewing it over and over while there was a waiting list of 17 kids wanting the book. It is a book about the year the colts won the superbowl.

He has figurines of the Colts players.

And he was happy to have surgery when he had it done because he was having it done at Peyton Manning Children's Hospital.

I am telling you the kid is a fan!!!

He is a shy kid but if you talk with him it will not take him long to divulge his love for the Colts to you.

Just about EVERYTHING about him shouts of that love.

EVERYTHING!!!

So, when I sat down the other night after putting the kids to bed I was not surprised to see this...

In case you forgot to put on your glasses...here it is up close!

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First Day Report

So, my youngest is off to kindergarten. The transition has been pretty great really. He has been tired a lot of course and a bit grouchy too. And, if you know my sunshine you know that he is not grouchy EVER...so, it's a bigger adjustment than you might think. :) But he likes school and is making friends and doing well.

That said, I thought I would give you some of the hilights of the back to school days of Sunshine.

THE FIRST DAY DROP OFF:

So, this year I am taking my kids all to school and picking them up. We have been trying to walk or ride bikes most days but on the first day backpacks were heavy so we drove.

He was all set in his cute little backpack and ready to go. He got out of the van with his posse of siblings surrounding him. I could tell from the back of him he was a bit nervous but he took hold of his big brother's hand and off they went...like ants heading back to the hill.

All 5 of mine are at the same school this year. It's nice to know that they are all together there...just in case. I guess it's not comforting if the school is bombed or set on fire...but other than that It's a good thing. :)

So, watched them walk away and then set off for my own meeting. As I drove I could not help but notice that my back seat was really quite empty. The view from my rear view mirror has changed a lot over the last several years but this is a totally new view for me. It's a lot more relaxing though. :)

THE BACKPACK:

For some reason I wanted to get him a new backpack that was PERFECT. I sat at my friends house for a few hours and searched the internet for one that was just right. I found nothing. The next day I went to several stores. I found nothing. Then I found it on the internet that night. The PERFECT backpack. It has a strap that will keep the doggone thing on him no matter how many times he falls from the car to the classroom. It is easy to open and close. It's comfy and well built. And it's just really cute.

And I paid for it...UGH!!! It is VERY NOT like me. I am a goodwill shopper and a mender of broken backpacks. But I guess since it's the last time I buy a backpack for the first day of kindergarten I just had to do it. Don't know why...it was just a HAVE TO! And, I might add that it is the cutest backpack ever and it is exactly perfect.

And when he comes home from school he has stuffed his papers into the tiny little pocket at the top of the backpack. They are crinkled and stuffed in true Sunshine style. And I love it.

And so those are some of my little memories of my baby's first few days of school.

Glad They Are Boys...

I never planned to have kids at all. I thought I would be childless up until about 8 months before Superhero showed up. I was never that girl dreaming of the children I would one day have. I never imagined their names or what they would look like or their sexes or the order they would be born in. So, I can't tell you if I wanted to be a boy mom or a girl mom or a mix of both. I don't know what I pictured myself as but I will say that I am glad to be the mom of 1 girl and 4 boys.

My girl is GIRLY...and I am glad for that. She makes all things giggly and pink and frilly and sparkly. She adds so much to our life. And I LOVE HER TONS. She is the one and only princess in our home and she loves that role. And I am glad that she has no competition for that title. I am glad that she gets all the girly things and that when the boys hear the word princess their one and only sister wears that title in their heart.

We are all happy that we have 4 boys and 1 girl.

There is just something about my boys that is fun and weird and just really neat.

And I love my boys.

But there are drawbacks to boys as well:

They sure do eat more than girls do (my girl anyway).

They miss the toilet WAY too often.

The feet...OH THE SMELL...I'm about to puke just thinking of it.

They are always talking about or dreaming of sports...ALREADY.

And the dirt seems to just jump up and grab them.

And my boys seem to know that there is something special about being a boy too.

Here is the list of the top 5 reasons it's better to be a boy than a girl as told to me in the van the other day by my own special boys.

1. You get to go to work instead of take care of kids all day

2. You get to fart and noone thinks it's odd.

3. You get to stand up to pee.

4. You get to mess around with girls...

(Yes, he meant that he gets to tease them and play jokes on them...but in a few years I am guessing he will see how very hilarious that statement is.)

5. You don't have to be the butler for the kids and dad.

Now, I am no therapist but I am thinking that it does not take one to realize that THIS MOM needs to step it up and make the kids and dad start pulling their own weight around here...let there be no mistake...I AM NOONE'S BUTLER.

Oh, wait, was that the doorbell? I better go!

-The Butler

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

Sweet little one I know you are much bigger now but in my heart time with you stands still.

Please know that I still think of you every single day and send prayers up for you.

You are loved in our home with an eternal love.

We can not wait to hear all the wonderful and happy and fun things that this year brings you.

You are a blessed little girl who God has given so much to.

Hug your mama and daddy every day and tell God thanks for blessing you with the love and safety of their arms!

Happy Birthday!!

Here Comes the SUN!

I am pretty sure that this picture was taken yesterday.

Wasn't it just yesterday when we picked this little guy up from the hospital.

You can tell me it wasn't but I am pretty sure I won't believe you.

I remember the first time I saw his face.

The cheeks that seemed to never end.

You know that song, "This is the song that never ends...It just goes on and on my friends".

Well, truly, that song came to mind when I saw Sunshine for the first time but with a few different words.

My head played it something like this, "These are the cheeks that never end...they just go on and on my friends".

Yeppers, I am pretty sure that it was just yesterday that we picked this sick little boy up from the hospital and began to nurse him back to health.

I'm pretty sure that it was just yesterday that we began what is now routine in my life...taking sunshine to doctors and hospitals and therapists and wherever they suggested that might help him.

It was yesterday I swear it's true. At least that is what my heart is telling me at the moment.

I am quite sure that it was yesterday when we he laughed and laughed at nothing at all.

And he made us happy.

Happy that he did not have to know that at the same time he was laughing we were crying for the fact that we did not know if any second he could be taken and given to the very mom who had not taken care of him and his siblings.

If at any moment he could be introduced to a life where his laughter was stripped away and replaced with fear and lifelessness.

Wasn't it yesterday that we spent hours each day just trying to get him to lift his head and look around.

In my heart it feels like yesterday.

In my heart I am sure that at any second I will hear him cry and realize that he needs a bottle again.

My heart seems to still believe that simply a few days ago we were enamored at how a child who could not sit up or put his hands together or babble or move could take our hearts in his hands with the sound of his giggle.

Wasn't it yesterday that he learned to sit up.

No matter what my mind tells my heart I swear to you I took this photo yesterday.

I am pretty sure it was just yesterday that I left him unsupervised for one minute and came back to find he had eaten the better part of my Big Mac.

And it was yesterday we fought with our lives to keep the child that our hearts knew was ours all along.

Yesterday we lived with fear that we would be without him for even one day.

But today.....

Today is different.

Today we turned around....

And he was 5.

And we all know what 5 means......

Kindergarten!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, the boy that we fought for, and that taught our hearts how to love unselfishly, who taught us how it feels to be HELD by God, who we feared would one day be taken....

That boy, that VERY boy.....

is heading off to all day kindergarten...

and his mommy is letting him go.

I guess it starts here...this process of letting him go physically.

I hope that the next years don't fly by quite as quickly as the first 5 did.

But either way...this one...this little guy has added more to our lives than we knew was possible.

He is our SUNSHINE, our JOY.

And tomorrow we let him fly off to spread his joy a little further.

And we will miss the socks off of him.

But we can't wait to see what the world holds for this special little boy.

If he can change the hearts of so many in just 5 years then this world better watch out.

Here comes the SUNSHINE!!!!!

(I will miss you baby...and I am not done fighting for you...that will NEVER END!)

-Mommy

And here is the nudge...God adopted us. He fought for us. He suffered for us and takes joy in us. He loves us with a love that makes my love for my sunshine look like hatred. Now that is something so amazing I truly can't imagine it. How about you? Can you imagine that kind of love? It's a blow your socks off love!!!

Never ask me to babysit

Really...

you should NEVER do it! :)